awkward?

So im at this convention 

ive been going to it since i was like 7

and this year

because of my recent break up

and because yeah..

i have no heart to break

and i really dont care what anyone thinks

like this has really come to

“only God can judge me”

and since i have my own belief system

its really just myself

and i really dont think about things totally through

i mean i do

like im not about to do some crazy

stupid shit

but like i said im at this convention

and ive always wanted to take someones virginity

lol

first day im here

friday

i meet some pretty cute guys

2 guys

were intresting to a certain degree

both had braces

both were 17

one was a ginger with blue eyes

one was a black haired with blue eyes

well

i just started chatting up the black hair

and so i pretty much sensed

he wanted my balls

dipped into his mouth 

ever so gently

and what do you know!!

the same day i made out with him a little

it was aight

he was talking mad shit about this other girl named megan

lol

it was pretty funny

yeah

and i was like

alright

he cute

really dorky

but not sooo sooo bad

so like i was like

im going to take his virginity.

since he is one.

so the next day i fucked him

in the hotel gym bathroom

i was like 

omg this kid

is kinda annoying me 

how much he wants it

so i said fuck it

and slept with him.

mreh it was ok

he had a thicker dick

but it wasnt long by any means

and he was hard as fuck

which was attractive

so i had fun with it

since i couldnt really feel his cock all in me

you know

like that right way

he was not humping me right

it was not how i liked it

so 

after i took it 

he just kinda left

because he had to do some other shit

which i was like ok

i need to meet back up with my friends and cousin

so i tell them i took his virginity and im pretty tasteful 

about telling them 

but he wasnt apparently

but i didnt hear about this until later

but i did have sex with him again

i wanted to

he was cute

and like the guy who took my virginity had 

black hair and blue eyes too

so idk

maybe some weird connection 

but anyway

he hella ditches me without even saying bye

and i was like.

yer a dick

lol you lost me

haha

 later the ginger still wants some

i can tell

he doesnt even care haha

i dont think the other kid did to

but im in the hot tub with hella people and then

the ginger asks me

how big is miles dick (the black haired)

and i was like what?

and there like i heard around its small

and then im like who said that

and after asking for hella long 

who said that

they said the other chick megan

and so im like ok damn

hes talking to two girls at once

both named megan,

and hes talking shit about both of them

lol

so then evan told me (the ginger)

about the shit talking miles was doing

he said 

i have a loose vagina

and im not that attractive

dude

lol

when did causal sex

turn into an a asshole competition 

so then

of course i got to start talkin a  little shit

to defend myself or some shit

so i said that he does have a little dick

and he doesnt know how to have sex

obviously

but when i said the rude things about him

atleast i didnt say shit about his apperance

but i guess insulting a dudes dick

is just as bad

oh well

i hope his little friends tell him.

but yeah

thats what happened to me

and im still kinda thinking about it

and tossing it around in my head

i know tomarrow when i leave this place

it will be the last thing on my mind

but still

like i said

i dont have a heart to break

and i dont really have feelings anymore

since i am so numb..

i realize its been 3 weeks,

but its still so painful for me

and its a slow painful thing

like throughout the day

of course i think about seamus

and of course things remind me of him

ive talked about him every single day since our break up

but did i try communicating with him

kinda? i added him on skype just on a whim

he didnt added me back

..

this was before he not only deleted and blocked me on fb

but then deletes me off of google plus.

the thing that makes me sad about that

is i know he still had his other ex girlfriends added on fb

but i was blocked deleted gone.

bleh

i feel more for some guy who broke my heart 3 weeks ago

that has nothing to do with me anymore

then i guy i just had sex with and it talking mad shit about me

hmm

yeah

life is a particular thing

i hate it and love it

and i cant get enough

it hurts everyday

but it feels great everyday

one hour i will be normal

the next maybe a combination of things

time tells things.

time gives you time.

i know that silly but its true.

i love life

i honestly do

but like

its hard

amiright?

we humans have emotions and tendencies 

we have uncontrollable urges

and thoughts we may not be able to control

its really hard for me everyday

to keep that big smile on my face

but i manage to do it.

i would love to be able to crawl in bed with

my special someone and be 

cared for, loved and happy 

with someone

but i also know

that i love being alone 

sometimes

its such a mind fuck

i miss him

so much.

i miss a guy i can go to

and tell him how much i like him

i miss being close to a guy

but

i do have to admit i like being single and 

doing what ever the fuck i want.

only god can judge me folks.

life

oh life

how it goes by

and how i feel 

will never come in accont

because each day is so different

and things end

and things began

im happy for my life and how lucky i am

i do feel a great deal of pain but that just part

of the suffrage of life

if you think about it

any great joy must 

have a great pain or suffrage to go along with it

not everything is perfect

but then that is also down to

what the person feel and thinks

everyones different.

i guess im just hard learner

i hate my self for the pain

i go through

it hurts so much and i feel so terrible

it shouldnt be like that when i have such a great life

im not ugly

and im not stupid

two great things

but will i find that right guy

its hard to say 

and its hard to feel

after i was broken down so much

after this break up

my heart string feel plucked dry and exhausted

im beganing to breath for myself again

and think for myself

when my only thought

always contained him.

i wouldnt say i loved him

but i liked him alot

and i thought we were on the right page 

but i guess not

i hate when that happens

two people cant feel the same way at the same time

its such bull shit

but i guess 

…

i guess i just feel so ugly sometimes

like he dumped me

like

couldnt handle it anymore

what booty

it sucks i just wanted to be with one person

who made me sooooo happy

and soooo mad too

i hated him so much at times

and when i was with him

its all i could think about

and now that im not with him

all i can think about it our sex

and our wonderful times together

and all the weed

and now hes spending it with other girls

and guys„

but still im not his number 1

or 2

or anything

im nothing to him now

and he is nothing to me

i cannot’

i dont care and you know why

is if i do care it just hurts so much

and i cant handle it….

oh god

My seamus.

your no longer mine.

 and im not yours either..

but im not one to share myself around

with just anyone

i went through that already

and i want respect

and realy love

i want someone to love me

…

sigh

the life a broken hearted teenage girl.

some more

god this heavy heart

is treated to poorly

i wont hurt myself anymore..

thats a lie

ive already gone far enough. 

ugh

another one bites the dust

i am single now

i have been for over a week

im terrible 

and im coming down from some pillz 

and i cuddled with a hella cool

dude last night

but like i felt so bad

and i still feel bad.

ugh

i dont want to rush into anything

because i dont want

to get hurt

i just feel so miserable.

i am all alone at my house

with nothing to do but 

stalk my ex bf

and fucking be a crazy ass bitch

ugh

fuck

why do i touture myself so much?

why am i such a disgrace to myself

i do theses things

and im promised

bad results

i really tryed

i really want to know

he blocked me from EVERYTHING

now

wtf

i cant blieve it at times

its so painful to me

and apparently right now it is really bad

i dont know what to do with myself

i just feel so god damn depressed

im going to try and hang out with my buddies

but i know i wont be much 

but a hollow body

with a broken heart

i want to fucking die sometimes

it hurts that bad

i know i will be ok

i just feel so unsure and scared

and overhelmed 

this dude i met is really cool

but im really not trying to date someone 

right away

i dont think i can..

i think my ex might date mira

ill freak the fuck out

my heart will sink even lower in my chest

i hate everything.

ugh

sometimes i dont know what

to do with myself

its been a week and two days.

since we broke up.

feels like years.

i really liked him and wanted to

take care of him and be with him

but he doesnt want that

and now he is out of school

and going to do

whatever he wants.

god please grant me the strength 

i dont think i could go on longer 

i heart is so broken up

i feel so alone and dead inside.

fuck 

this

come down

i stress

brehh

why is there so much different types of depression

i feel so sad

and empty

my boyfriend almost broke up with me

i think this month is the last month of our 

relationship

i think its going to be over

because im a very

paranoid 

sad person

who cant accept 

anyones love

because fear of gettting myself hurt

i feel terrible 

with my own little

problems and my own stupid life

i dont know any more

but he told me off

and he told me good

exactly what would hurt me the most

and i know he will go through with it

i hate it  i just

want to be alone

but i like him so much

its so stupid…

oh well

i do assume just one more month and 

itll be over 

but like i said

im just going to be 

sad megan

not really responsive to

compliments

only giving them in texts

not playing the pet name game

being overall sad

and vulenerable

i want this to work out

but i have to stop loving him

im not in love with him

but i like showing him my love

i guess i love to love him

basically i love to show him love

because i know that i will get it back

unconditionally

but he wont show it to me 

anymore until he gets

his own way

which i dont get

because he seems perfectly fine to

find them

he just wants to be friends with anna..

this girl i really dont like

and dont want my boyfriend to be friends with.

this is the plan

if i find out within the next 4 weeks (graduation day)

that he is talking to her (which he probably will)

then plan one starts which is

if its before baycon 

so with the next 3 weeks (memeorial day weekend)

then i will cheat on him

and that will be a permnate signature of

i will not have sex with seamus 

or try not to kiss him

until graduation day

which the next day i will go over and break up with him and get all my things back.

those are part of my battle plans for breaking up with seamus.

but

…

what im doing now is just feeling it out

and being patient for him

because he was for me

i know that he really really likes me 

but 

yeah

im just going to wait

and be happy

…

ugh

i stress out guys..